If you are going to fly in an airplane, the TSA wants to make sure you will be safe. So they conveniently provide pamphlets for every passenger, full of detailed pictures illustrating various safety tips. However, as these pictures don't come with captions, I thought I would explain some of them here. FOR YOUR SAFETY, you understand.
First of all, you should know that there are some things that are FORBIDDEN on airplanes.
Remote control cars, for instance. I know how tempting it may be to bring your favorite battery-powered vehicle, but we must insist. None of this.
Record players. No record players allowed, not even if you use eraser-pink headphones.
Also-- and I know this may be difficult for all you evil supergeniuses-- you're not allowed to bring your favorite walkie-talkie-computer-communicator-device for relaying orders to your minions (no matter how cleverly disguised it may be with "TV" emblazoned on it in large letters).
And finally, no lighting your cigarette before you get to the bathroom. For goodness' sake, people, at least wait until you're inside the lavatory. The door doesn't take that long to open.
Once we've got that settled, here's a diagram for the benefit of everyone who hasn't been inside a car since 1950:
Okay, now that everyone understands the basics, it's time to cover What To Do If The Plane Crashes.
First, there are several possible reasons the plane might crash.
This picture explains that the plane might crash if it only has one wing:
While this picture illustrates what happens if the pilot overshoots the runway and, instead, careens into the air traffic control tower. Unfortunate.
Now. If you think the plane might be crashing, and you have a baby, it's important that you smash the baby's face into your bosom, as illustrated here:
If, on the other hand, you are accompanied by a dysmorphic midget man-child with a beer belly, feel free to help him with his oxygen mask.
On the other hand, if you ARE a baby, things are a bit different. First you have to make sure to aim a good kick at whoever might be messing with the straps on your life jacket:
Then once you escape from those interfering adults and get into the water, you'll have a brilliant idea that will allow you to save everyone.
Okay. But suppose the pilot manages to skillfully crash-land the plane, and everyone's okay? How do you get out of that flying tin can?
Well, first look out the window to make sure there are no SCENES OF DESTRUCTION outside.
Thunderstorms, forest fires, and giant piles of razor-sharp icicles are some common things to look out for.
Next, if everything looks okay out there, you can attempt to open the door. However, your efforts will be in vain, and you'll likely get really angry, like this guy:
But all is not lost! All you have to do is hold your arms out in front of you and clap your hands, and the door will open!
Once the door is open, get the @*&# away from there. None of this staying around to help people. That thing could explode.
See that arrow? It means RUN. The guy in yellow knows how to follow directions. The guy in blue does not. Obviously he did not thoroughly read his TSA safety pamphlet.